Okay, talk.

My parents have a truly solid marriage. It was and is work, even after 61 years. I am the youngest in the family and was basically an only child when my brother left for college my freshman year of high school. I witnessed first hand how a 30 year old marriage was managed by two almost empty nesters. It worked like a well oiled machine and I thought when I got married to my love of 8 years, it would come so easily. He always had my best interest in mind and only ever wanted me to be happy.

My mother would tell stories about when they were young and stupid – that’s my term not theirs. Don’t be offended. I think everyone was young and stupid in their marriages, we grow, learn and then become old and stupid, just in different ways. One of her favorites was a time when she complained to my dad that, “We don’t talk anymore!” My dad, a man of few words and great simplistic solutions, looked her in the eyes from across the table and said, “Ok, talk.” Every wife just harumphed a bit because we’ve all been in this position at some level with our husbands before. Of course, that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Conversation is supposed to be easy, like it was when we were dating and in the early years before school commitments, work trips and teenage drama.

When we were first dating in high school, we had friends and family to talk about. Experinces and opinions were always insights into character and I was always testing to see if this was someone I wanted to hang around with and later on whether he was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. After we married and the full force of working full time and schooling part time became our reality, our new life lost quite a bit of luster. Feelings were hurt more, confusion about why feelings were hurt and anger about hurt feelings whether they were his or mine, were often the discussion of the day. The little things bothered us more, the big things were still ok, just not discussed.

Don’t take this as a sign that our marriage that was in trouble. There was never a day I thought I could live a better life without him, I just wanted a more fulfilling life with him. He would tell me he loved me daily and would say all he ever wanted was for me to be happy and my selfish brat inside would wonder if he knew what made me happy and why didn’t he do ALLL the things that made me happy and why couldn’t he read my mind and just romantically KNOW what made me happy. And then came the children.

We were ecstatic and nervous that New Year’s Eve when the pregnancy test I took turned out positive. Little did we know how much he and his nine siblings would squeeze every ounce of energy out of us for the next 23 years and counting. I can remember clearly sitting in my bed with a newborn while my wonderful husband kept the household running. As soon as he came home from work he would change and feed the others dinner and take them to basketball or Tae Kwon Do or the library or whatever it was that was needed and I just felt awful. We were like two ships passing in the night. The only time we had to talk was to talk about how the kids were getting where they needed to go or what needed to be done around the house.

I felt useless and while I knew there was no way he would ever leave me, I knew that this was probably how it could start to fall apart. Only the little details to talk about and none of the dreams. We wouldn’t talk about big ideas because it would be so defeatist to even begin. There was no way we would ever find the time or energy or money to achieve any big hairy audacious goal, so we never talked and we never dreamed. Or so it seemed. Even though I knew it would crush him if he knew that I was miserable and there was nothing he could do about it, I had to tell him how I felt. I had to let him know what was going on in my brain. He couldn’t read it.

When Todd and I were first married, we learned that we each had some annoying habits and we each wanted to change the other, but of course, being young and stupid, we didn’t know the most effective way to do this, so we made up our own way. My most annoying habit to Todd at the time was that wherever I was in our small 900 sq foot house, and I felt like taking off my shoes, I did. The living room, the kitchen, the hallway, the bathroom, but not ever in the closet in our bedroom where they belonged.

He may have asked me to put them away. I may have been offended that he wanted me to clean up after myself. I don’t recall exactly. He did, however, come home one day from 12 hours of work and school and traffic to find my shoes right in the middle of the hallway. He decided right then and there he was going to teach me a lesson, so with backpack in hand, trench coat swinging behind him as he kicked my shoes with his dress shoes all the way down the hall to the bedroom. He made sure that when he kicked the shoes, they hit the wall every time to make a loud thunk each time my tennis shoe slammed against it. He made it all the way to the closet, kicked them to the back and slammed the sliding door. He was quite satisfied with himself because he had made his point and I would not be leaving shoes anywhere anymore.

Fast forward to three kids later when we began facilitating marriage preparation classes for our parish, we were sharing our stories about communication fails and wins. This was the story he chose to share. Being the never prepared people that we were, we hadn’t really practiced these stories, so when he shared this with our first ever couple, I remember very purposefully turning my head and staring at him blankly remarking, “I never knew you did that!” I guess he never really made his point.

As a part of our training as Marriage prep facilitators, we learned a communication skill, that cheesy as it was, saved much of our sanity through our marriage. A Nurturing Partnership Can Win. It still makes me cringe with a certian 90’s cringe, but I still remember it. That sentence is an anagram which lists the five steps of a daily communication tool that was called a DTR or Daily Temperature Reading. I will rename it to a Daily Check In, because the former name sounds like a step in a certain Natural Family Planning method, that while wonderful, is not communicating the correct message. Anywho. These five steps can only begin when we as a couple are in a neutral space. You will need five to eight minutes maximum when the both of you are not in the middle of something like bathing children or watching the last few minutes of the Final Four. The best suggestion ever given is to find five minutes in the evening sometime. We always used the last few minutes before we went to sleep because, kids.

Once you have established a good time, you must check your attitude. This vulnerable time of sharing must come from a place of charity and understanding. If we come to this place with an unresolved issue, it may still work, but will have resentment attached. A couple of ground rules before you start. 1. The steps are completed alternately by one partner and then then next. Each person gets to go through each step without being interrupted. No matter what he says, you may not comment, question or defend anything that is brought up. Remember, though, charity needs to exude from both people. This lends itself to the other person listening and not formulating a response, excuse or defense for anything brought up. If there needs to be more discussed about the topic, then after the exercise is done, you may come back together to engage calmly. 2. After each step has been expressed by one partner, the other can ONLY say, “Thank You” I can’t control how it is said, only that it should be said. Once these rules are understood, you may begin.

A is for appreciation. Find something that the other person did that day that was sweet, thoughtful or just something that they are accustomed to doing normally. “I appreciate that you took the trash out today” “I appreciate that you stayed at home with the children today” “I appreciate the note you put in my lunch” “I appreciate that you didn’t get mad when I was late coming home from work” Thank you.

N is for New information. What is new going on in your life or your friends’ or your family’s? Sometimes we get so bogged down in the comings and goings of our own immediate family, we don’t share the news of the new promotion of a friend or the neighbor’s new baby. We often forget that we haven’t told our partner about small events that are affecting our lives in maybe a small way, but also maybe an important one. Maybe it is the regular life. One of the kids got a part in a play or there is a soccer tournament next weekend so we’ll have to figure out rides. Thank You.

P is for puzzles. This is a bit strange and out of the box. For this one we share what has been puzzling us. It doesn’t need an answer, it’s just a wondering. “I’m puzzled about why the baby won’t stop crying” “I’m confused about why we can’t seem to get any alone time” “It’s a puzzle to me that we can’t figure out how to balance our budget” (be careful with this one, both people need to be in a place of mutual understanding that the unbalanced budget is not one person’s fault, but a continuing struggle for both of you) Thank You.

C is for Complaint – with request for change. This one is a step in which the exact sentence stem must be used in order to have the positive effect that it is meant to obtain. “I have noticed….I would prefer…” When you say this, do your best to temper your sarcasm, bitterness or aloofness which tends to cause irritation. (I may be speaking to myself at this moment) This exercise is meant to bring up something that may be difficult to bring up at any other time in your married life. It does not have to be earth shattering. It can be as simple as “I have noticed that you put your dishes on the counter. I would prefer that you place them in the dishwasher instead.” Here is the beauty of this precise structure. The complainer is speaking. The other is listening and cannot say ANYTHING. No excuses, no counter statements, no accusations, so solutions can be discussed at that time. Thank you.

This step lends itself to the most explanation because it is the trickiest and the most demanding on our emotions. My husband realized that after I said my Complaint, he would be immediatly formulating any of those types of statements to counter my complaint – usually a justification of his actions or a solution to the problem. When he was doing this, however, he was not listening to me. He was not paying attention to my tone of voice, or the expression on my face or how uncomfortable I was complaning about him, or possibly how angry this made me feel. He was simply formulating his own response in his head. The fact that he could not say anything right away, trained him to begin to listen and pay attention to me, basically because it was no use to think anything in his brain if he couldn’t say it right away.

Your brain is probably saying right now that it is necessary to discuss these complaints, though, how on earth will anything be resolved if all we say is thank you???? Because this is a neutral zone of vulnerability and grace and mercy. By not discussing things right away, it leaves both people with a sense of safety and courage to speak the concerns of the moment without immediate recourse from the other person. When the entire exercise is completed, that is when you can ask to discuss an issue that was brought up within the daily check in. There may need to be a cooling off period, or a chore to be done before the discussion that is more pressing, but always commit to bringing it up again at a later time when you can have a more lengthy exchange. Time to think and process before a talk like this is always a good idea.

W is for Wishes. Wishes, hopes and dreams are shared at this step of the daily check in. This is a nice ending to a communication exercise. It seems that maybe we are making a cheery ending after a stressful complaint section, which may serve that purpose, but it also serves to voice out loud some dreams you may have that get pushed to the wayside with family duties, low financial funds, work demands and other issues of the day. Sometimes the wish is the same over and over again, in which case, the other may notice that your particular dream may need some attention, and more detail. I would never have asked to go on a family vacation because of all those excuses listed, however, when I had to pick something, I said, “I wish we could go on a family vacation just our immediate family.” Within a year, we figured out how to make that first beach vacation happen. Thank you.

At the end of this exercise, show some kind of affection with your partner, a hug, a kiss, a squeeze of the hand. This should be a loving time of growth between the two of you. It ends this time with a sweet action and the reminder of the resolve the two of you have for your relationship. I am ever so thankful for this exercise that we consistently used daily for a good two years. Like anything we have implemented in our marriage, we change the structure to fit out needs, so while there are times in our lives we don’t need to check in every day, we still use the skills we have learned from this exercise to have caring, neutral conversations and when these discussions get heated, we know that we can sit and process and allow each other to speak while the other truly listens.

Our times of communication is always a safe place for us both. One evening, while Todd was sitting with our son at bedtime, I texted him (he’s often just sitting there in the dark waiting for the snoring to begin) and asked him to come and talk to me when he was done. I wanted to bring up a conversation we had had earlier in the week that was weighing on me. He said of course, but what is this about. He likes to be prepared. I texted back and said “Me.” Even after 25 years of marriage, it is difficult to be completely honest about my feelings. He replied, “My favorite subject.” To this day, whenever my heart is heavy, I know that I can explain my feelings and he will tell me how grateful he is that I shared with him. We learned that being vulnerable with each other is not always a criticism about the other, but rather an explanation about how we might have made each other feel.

If we are committed to each other and divorce is not an option, we can work through all things. If we want our marriage to win, we can be humble and strive to make the other person feel better, we can forgive and ask forgiveness. If we want to be closer to each other, we will talk and we will listen and we will begin to understand each other more deeply. Isn’t that what we all want from our spouse? To be loved, heard and understood? We must begin by loving, understanding and listening to the other. We must look at the other person and just talk.