What A Wild Ride Life Is

I blinked. That’s what I say when someone wishes us Happy Anniversary or Congratulations on 25 years! I still felt like a teenager with butterflies in her stomach whenever I looked at Todd until the last few years. This sounds way worse than it is. Now, granted, we met when I was 14 and we dated on and off for the next four years and then seriously from 1994 until we got married in 1998. So feeling like a teenager around him was easy. Even with a gaggle of kids surrounding us, we were starry eyed and living the dream. Sure, we had struggles – never enough money, never enough time, never enough effort on either of our parts – but deep down, whenever we really anazlyed it, our lives were happy, solid, and built deep in roots of trust and love for each other on a solid foundation of Christ.

Recently, I realized that I don’t feel like a teenager anymore. It could be that I’m quickly approaching 50, that hormones have wreaked havoc on my body making me realize that I wasn’t all that pudgy when I was 30 and so desperate to lose 40 lbs. Now it’s more like 80. But I digress. In 2020, which incendentally was the last time I posted on this blog, (which I am trying to rectify) my life took a turn for the crazy. You may think that I was already crazy with 10 children that I had, living on one income, and homeschooling all of them, but I had a serious shift in circumstances during the pandemic. And it had almost nothing to do with the virus.

I don’t tend to worry too much. My husband does that for the both of us. I loved the pandemic. Home with everyone, enjoying the outside during the spring, having my daughter back home during her first year of college. I was truly in momma heaven. I rolled my eyes at all of the fear that was striking the rest of the culture. That’s just me. However, this was definitely a turning point in my mothering career. The exact day that Sophie was coming home for spring break was a Friday. The world was shutting down. That morning, the school told them to prepare not to come back for two weeks and she was late driving down from Des Moines because of the last minute preparations. That evening, our plan was to attend our favorite parish fish fry, but it was canceled earlier in the week. I then planned for a large dinner at my house with Sophie, her boyfriend who was driving down with her, Gregory, his new girlfriend and her daughter, whom we were meeting for the first time. Now his wife, this was a game changer evening.

That whole week, we spent at home, planning our Grizzlelympics, playing games, enjoying each other, but I was also very confused about the fact that I had been bleeding for a straight month. I had suspected it was because of the change of prescriptions that my OBGYN had given me to try to figure out why my cycles were so heavy. We had been on this fact finding mission for over a year. Two weeks prior, I had a D&C scheduled to find out what might be causing all this irritation. In the hospital room, prior to the procedure, the nurse was doing all the necessary tests and found a positive pregnancy test that was ever so slight. More testing showed a miscarriage I hadn’t even suspected and we tried again for the procedure. Somehow, in the midst of possible hospital shutdowns, I was able to secure the date but of course, no answers. Weeks later, with the heaviest cycle I have ever had, two surgeons spied the very first opening of operating rooms and since they were letting no one in the hospital rooms, I endured a hysterectomy all by myself. Preparation was brutal and the recovery even worse. I begged them to let me go home as soon as possible so I could have help. I was not prepared for the loss I would feel after that surgery.

I had never experienced a miscarriage and I don’t really feel the loss as much as other mothers since I didn’t have time even to love the idea of her. I do miss her, though. We named her Therese Augustine and pray for her intercession every day. I do realize that we cannot be certain of the sex of that child. In my mind, she is a girl, but we named her a girl and boy name for many reasons. I know that when I go to meet my child in heaven, Therese will be in the glorified body God will give each one of us. I giggle when I think I may meet this very handsome man I named Therese. It makes me look forward to the reality of heaven and excited for what and who is waiting for me there.

The hysterectomy was another huge but different type of loss. It was the loss of possibility. Even though Todd and I didn’t really WANT any more children, we knew that we were open to the possibility of our love for each other needing a name nine months later. (Credit to Scott Hahn for that imagery) Thus Ambrose at the age of 42 and Therese at 44. The idea that there would never be any possibility of any more lives born to the Todd and Cory Grizzle family was a little bit unsettling for me. I wasn’t used to the finality of it all. It took some time and many reality checks, but our lives have lulled into a new rhythm.

A few months after that scenario, Gregory was convinced he was going to marry Amanda and after only knowing her for a few months, I was hesitant to be excited for them. We managed to discuss the possibility of him waiting a while and by November, when we realized that it was going to happen, we were happy for them. For the next year, twists and turns, ups and downs added to the journey that is the story of their life. Parenting adults is the most challenging aspect of this mothering job I have ever had.

While you are parenting littles, your dream is that they gain all the knowledge, self control, piety and fortitude you are handing to them from what you have garnered from your years (20? 30?) of experience. When you have that 18th birthday party, graduation party, college/tech school/job applications where they step foot into the real world, you believe that they will hold all you have taught them in their hearts and brains and will gently, respectfully and thoughtfully pull them out as needed so as to make you proud. You nod and smile and say, “Great Job! Just as I would have done that! You made better decisions than I ever did because I taught you how to avoid those pitfalls and showed you the error of other people’s ways!” And then. They had the audacity to have their own lives.

Their life is not my story to tell, but in April of last year, when he told me they were having a baby (Their wedding date was not yet planned) I was less than thrilled. I tried not to let it be all about me, but we are selfish people with a serious tendency towards sin and while it was my parental duty to say my piece, I ended the conversation with, “I promise I’ll be excited soon, just give me some time” Very long story short, they married a few months later, and delivered a beautiful baby girl, Therese, in December. And I am super excited.

These last three years have been the most event-packed, life-filled years I have ever experienced. I have learned so much about myself, my children, my relationships with them and how to really navigate emotions with everyone around me. There are other life events and other stories which have brought me to the place I am now, but maybe that’s for another post. I am no longer a teenager. I haven’t been for 30 years now. My amazing husband who lies to me daily and tells me how beautiful I am makes me feel like a teenager at times, but I have so much life knowledge and experience that I couldn’t be a teenager again if I tried.

photo credit: Cori and Kiera Photography http://www.coriandkiera.com